I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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