His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
