I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
