And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
