I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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