You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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