his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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