well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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