My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
