so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
