Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
