So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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