Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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