I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
