Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
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