i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
