i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
