I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
