Please, let me fuck your mom
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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