Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Ketchup is God's man juice
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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