Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
