Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
