im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
