I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
