I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We left an ass print on the piano.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
