i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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