whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
