I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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