I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
