Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
