Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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