Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
