Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
