Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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