I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
