i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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