Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
People in love make me want to vomit
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
