dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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