Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
