Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
