I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
