The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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