Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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