stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
