It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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