i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
