My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize