im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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