Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
