my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
