I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
