see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
