There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
