So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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