I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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