Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
